Conversation: How to be an outstanding conversationalist

How do you go from being a good to a brilliant conversationalist?

Once you've started the conversation and it is going well, there are some brilliant ways to continue. When you know these secrets, you become special in the other person's eyes. They remember you. And the next time you meet, the conversation will flow.

What are the secrets to becoming a brilliant conversationalist?

Jill Spiegel in her book "How to Talk to Anyone About Anything", lists five ways to become a brilliant conversationalist:

1. Recall a detail

2. Remember names

3. Converse intelligently on any subject

4. Use the magic phrases that win trust

5. Exit gracefully

What do you mean "Recall a detail"?

As the other person is talking, listen for any details that you find fascinating. Let the conversation continue, then mention the detail when appropriate. Explain that you found it fascinating. People love it when they know you have been listening and paying attention. This does not happen often for them and it is why your attention is appreciated. Listen for details and recall them later. It makes you a wonderful conversationalist.

How do you "Remember names"?

People love it when you remember their name and then repeat it. It creates a connection and establishes you as someone special. There are some ways that make remembering easier:

Repetition

A simple trick for remembering people's names is to repeat it a few times during the conversation. Repeat it when you are introduced, "Very pleased to meet you xxxxx." Repeat it after your first reply, "You know xxxx, when I came here tonight . . ." People enjoy hearing their names and see it as the mark of a great conversationalist.

Don't be afraid of asking their name if you did not hear it. Speakers enjoy giving their names to people who want to listen. And don't forget to repeat your name if they ask for it. They, like you, need help remembering names and repetition is a great memory jogger.

Rhyme

Sometimes a person will wear something or do something or say something that rhymes with their name. Peter might be a person who put coins in a parking meter. Jill might be a health fanatic that takes pills. Focusing on making a connection between a name, and a word that rhymes with it, can make the difference between remembering and forgetting their name.

Similarities

When you are introduced to someone, they may say or do or look like somebody that you know who has the same name. You should mention the resemblance and repeat the name. "XXX you remind me so much of yyy. You both . . . " Repetition is a great way to remember names.

How do I "Converse intelligently on any subject?"

Some people are knowledgeable about many things. They love to talk and display their prowess. Which is exactly what we want when we do not know a lot about the subject. To be a great conversationalist, all we have to do is to listen, confess our lack of knowledge and ask them to tell you more. Showing your curiosity and interest turns you into a brilliant conversationalist.

As you listen, even if you know nothing about the topic, there is always something that you might find fascinating. Tell them you are amazed at the subject and ask the speaker to explain more. Ask a question, reinforce your interest and the conversation will flow. When you show enthusiasm for the topic, the appropriate questions will follow: "Tell me more", "What happened next?", "How did that happen?" The speaker loves your questions and your esteem is raised to a new level.

What are the "Magic phrases that win trust"?

In any conversation, there are times when a person speaks and you immediately realise that they have a talent that should be exploited. Or they have experienced a setback that you can relate to.

Encouragement

When you truly listen to others, you learn more about them than they know about themselves. They may talk enthusiastically about a hobby or their work. You pause, you think. You say, "You should write a book about that. You are so interesting."

This might be the first time the person has heard the idea. It resonates with them. They experience that eureka moment. You have given them the impetus to start their new endeavour. And you become indelibly etched on their memory as the person who inspired them. Your words of encouragement have boosted their determination to achieve success.

While not obvious, when you tell others how they make you feel great or mention their success, you tune in to their encouragement mode. They love it. You become a source of motivation. Make any positive statements that reinforce the value of another and you become the brilliant conversationalist that they want to be with.

Empathy

Everybody loves a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. When you show understanding for another's misfortune, you connect with them. You share a common interest The common interest being their setbacks. "That's terrible. How do you feel?", "You poor thing, no wonder you're upset." Phrases that connect are those that understand their predicament and show that you share their concerns.

Sometimes, you can relate similar incidents that happen to you. Again, this solidifies your bond. But remember, your purpose is to sympathise with their predicament. Not your own. Keep referring back to their situation and reinforce that they are the person you feel sorry for.

How do I "Exit gracefully"?

Even when you want to finish the conversation and move on, you can still leave a positive impression. One way to exit is to leave while paying a positive compliment. "Great to talk to you. You have so much energy."

Another way is to give a reason for your exiting. Giving a reason makes any action more palatable. More acceptable. A simple "I'm must go because . . ." puts the emphasis on the reason and off the other person who could take it as an insult. You imply that you have enjoyed being with them and are reluctant to leave their presence.

Conclusion

I hope this session on advancing from being a 'good' conversationalist to being a 'brilliant' conversationalist has been useful. We've discussed being attentive to details; remembering names; asking for more information; ways to encourage and empathize and ways to exit a conversation gracefully. Wishing you every success and being a brilliant conversationalist.

ends